Something about the way she said that made a tingle run up his spine. His eyes widened. Yeah, he knew more about her than he should. They weren’t married, but when had that stopped anyone these days? Somehow that all felt wrong and went against his upbringing. That he could remember fairly well. He started laughing.
I like the morality, but the wording leaves it feeling forced in. I think drop the "Yeah". I think the "when had that stopped anyone" is the part that feels like it breaks the flow. Why would he think about general society when he is trying to remember this intimate relationship? I think placing the relationship would be the focus until remembering his upbringing (because it conflicted with the situation). I think just go straight from the upbringing and ditch the societal commentary.
He snorted and shook his head. Who knew what the general had thought about his sudden appearance? He could not figure it out himself.
This wording feels like it could be more natural. "he wondered" or "he needed to know" or "He had passed out before learning what the general thought of his sudden appearance" or some such.
Thanks for the input. I can see what you mean and like that you gave suggestions. I did my best to polish this and have fun with it, but left it open for readers to feel free with comments that can help the story and my writing.
“Oh, I don’t plan more 100-mile hikes for a while.”
Consider "plan on any more"
but I am sure you are right.
The way you have this character speak, the contraction, "you're" would feel more natural.
know you are trying
Same here.
hope I am not
Same here. I'll quit, I'm sure you get the idea.
He laughed again because he was talking to his body like it could understand.
Laughed might be to strong. Maybe if he was still under the effects of the medicine, but chuckled ot laughed to himself.
Yeah, I rather have you complaining than feeling
Consider dropping the "Yeah" and it should be "I'd rather" or just "Rather"
Something about the way she said that made a tingle run up his spine. His eyes widened. Yeah, he knew more about her than he should. They weren’t married, but when had that stopped anyone these days? Somehow that all felt wrong and went against his upbringing. That he could remember fairly well. He started laughing.
I like the morality, but the wording leaves it feeling forced in. I think drop the "Yeah". I think the "when had that stopped anyone" is the part that feels like it breaks the flow. Why would he think about general society when he is trying to remember this intimate relationship? I think placing the relationship would be the focus until remembering his upbringing (because it conflicted with the situation). I think just go straight from the upbringing and ditch the societal commentary.
*Her* creased brow and darting eyes made him look around the room.
He snorted and shook his head. Who knew what the general had thought about his sudden appearance? He could not figure it out himself.
This wording feels like it could be more natural. "he wondered" or "he needed to know" or "He had passed out before learning what the general thought of his sudden appearance" or some such.
Thanks for the input. I can see what you mean and like that you gave suggestions. I did my best to polish this and have fun with it, but left it open for readers to feel free with comments that can help the story and my writing.